After being trumped by the 2011 Cyclingnews people’s choice awards hosted by William Fotheringham, I’ve had to rush my own poll for year-end awards in the following categories. Welcome to my Awards of Mass Cycling Distinction. I will be picking the winners based upon twitter feedback, comments attached to the bottom of this piece, and payments sent directly to me. If you don’t know how to send me direct payments, then you’re not allowed to send me direct payments, so fook off.
Enough of that drivel, on to the Awards! Here’s a shot from the press conference announcing the nominees. Thanks to Frank Mercer for snapping this photo.
And the categories are…
Best Pick-Up Artist:
- Adam Myerson
- Ted King
- Andy Schleck
- Carlton Reid
- Lance Armstrong
Best Dramatic Performance:
- Jonathan Vaughters for “The Race Radio Debacle”
- Hein Verbruggen for “Never, Never, Never.”
- Patrick M. McQuaid for “The Phantom Landis Lawsuit”
- Patrick M. McQuaid for “The Open Letter to the Peloton, Especially Jens Voigt”
- Alberto Contador for “Really, It Truly Was the Horse Meat, No Really”
Best Cycling Musical Score:
- Velobeats
- Race Radio by Velocast
- Bicycle Radio
- HIPPIGNK HOPS by Anoncx America on Spotify
- Tiesto’s Club Life
Biggest Whiner in a Grand Tour:
- Thor Hushovd for the Vuelta Espana
- Alberto Contador for the Tour de France
- Mark Cavendish for the Giro d’Italia, Tour de France, and Vuelta Espana
- Jonathan Vaughters for the Tour de France
- Andy Schleck for the Tour de France
Worst Descender in the Pro Peloton:
- Ivan Basso
- Andy Schleck
- Andy Schleck
- Andy Schleck
- Frank Schleck
Most Likely to Hit the Tarmac at a Race:
- Anyone from Euskaltel
- Tom Boonen
- Lance Armstrong
- Matti Breschel
- Janez Brajkovic
Best Podium Performance by a Person, Duo, Trio, or Group:
- Team Garmin-Cervelo and Jonathan Vaughters for TTT win at the Tour de France
- Team Garmin-Cervelo, Jonathan Vaughters and Cardboard Zabriskie for Tour de France final podium
- Chris Horner and Levi Leipheimer for the Queen Stage at the Amgen Tour of California
- Phillipe Gilbert
- Fabian Cancellara at Paris Roubaix
Best Exit from a Race:
- Alexander Kolobnev, Team Katusha for the Tour de France
- Sven Schouttenten, Team BMC part-timer, for the Tour de France
- Alessandro Ballan, Team BMC, for the Giro d’Italia
- Wim Van Sevenant, Team Omega-Pharma-Lotto, for the Tour de France
- Mark Cavendish, Team HTC High Road, Paris-Roubaix
Best Tow:
- Mark Cavendish for the Tour de France
- Mark Cavendish for the Vuelta Espana
- Mark Cavendish for the Giro d’Italia
- Mark Cavendish for the Tour of Britain
- Mark Cavendish for the World Championships
Best Performance on the Dance Floor:
- Baden Cooke
- Greg Henderson
- Vincenzo Nibali
- Robbie McEwen
- Stuart O’Grady
Best Fashion Performance:
- Fabian Cancellara
- Bridie O’Donnell
- Jeremy Powers
- Neil Browne
- Gary Fisher
Best Twitter Zingers:
- @dwuori
- @Velocentric
- @sarcastitom
- @Laura_Weislo
- @cycletard
- @cycleboredom
Cycling Anti-Establishment Award:
- Neil Browne
- @nyvelocity
- Floyd Landis
- @festinagirl
- Paul Koechli
- @theraceradio
Tool of the Year:
- Lance Armstrong
- Hein Verbruggen
- Flavio Becca
- Johan Bruyneel
- Angelo Zomegnan
Best BMC Quote:
- “We don’t do things for licences. That has absolutely nothing to do with it.”
- “I haven’t seen it and it’s just not something I can comment on. It’s just some article in a newspaper.”
- “I know what’s been in the newspaper but I can’t read Italian anyway.”
- ”You bring up things that are totally ridiculous. It’s a media flop. I’m not involved in it. I don’t know anything. I will not comment on it. I talk about cycling but not that thing.”
- “Forget that one.”
Best VeloNews Headline:
- Pro Peloton to Get Some Iranian Firepower in 2012
- Another US Masters Rider Pinned for Doping
- Teams Hoping for Chinese Payoff from Beijing Tour
- Netherlands Releases Men’s World Team
- Cobo Saves Day on Home Roads He Didn’t Know
- Cycling’s New Anglo Empire – How America, Along with Australia, Britain, and Canada, Invaded Europe and Came out on Top
Best Meeting for Undisclosed Purposes:
- Lance Armstrong and Tyler Hamilton at Cache Cache in Aspen
- Jonathan Vaughters and Patrick M. McQuaid at the Tour of Colorado
- Francesca Rossi, Mario Zorzoli and Alberto Contador in Spain
- Arnaud Lagadere and Johan Bruyneel in Paris
- Levi Leipheimer and Jeff Novitzky at a secret location
Best Alternative Live Cycling Feed Sites, Free to the Public!
- Cyclingfans.com
- Steephill.tv
- sportlemon.tv
- gazzetta.it
Best Cycling News/Commentary Website, Alternative Media Category:
- inrng.com
- gerard.cc
- neilbrowne.com
- podiuminsight.com
- cyclismas.com (well hey, I’m paid to say that one)
- Blazin’ Saddles on Yahoo Sport UK & Ireland
Best Mainstream Media Pundit:
- Mike Tomalaris/SBS Central
- Shane Stokes/Velonation
- Daniel Benson/Cyclingnews
- David Harmon/Eurosport
- Richard Moore/Sky
- William Fotheringham/The Guardian
Worst Mainstream Media Pundit:
- Phil Liggett
- Paul Sherwen
- Craig Hummer
- Bob Roll
- Lionel Birnie
Best Cycling Puppet:
- Dave Towle
- John Wilcockson
- Chris Carmichael
- Gianni Bugno
- Doug Ulman
Dedication to Cycling Award Sponsored by Mr. Michael Smith:
- @TdFLanterne on twitter
- Charles Pelkey
- @Velocentric on twitter
- Martin Hardie
- Herbie Sykes
- Joe Papp
The Charles Talleyrand Diplomacy Award:
- Gary Fisher
- Alain Rumpf
- Bill Strickland
- Neal Rogers
- Robert Amadio
The Jacques Anquetil Award – Best Cycling Clothing Company:
- Vulpine
- Rapha
- Handlebar Mustache
- Gage + DeSoto
- Ciclirati
Ned Boulting Armchair Punditry Award:
- @sofaboy
- @dimspace
- @fmk_RoI
- @neilroad
- @velocast
The Mr. World Tour Award:
- Tyler Farrar
- Tony Gibb
- Lars “Bitchface” Boom
- Geraint Thomas
- Johnny Hoogerland
- Svein Tuft
- Tom Boonen’s thighs
The Ms. World Tour Award:
- Julie Krasniak
- Pauline Ferrand Prevost
- Marion Rousse
- Laura Meseguer
- Evelyn Stevens
- Alison Tetrick Starnes’ snow angel
Supreme UCI Minion Award:
- @kathrynebrown
- @mmmaiko
- @mplsminx
- @PatsBhonMhat
- @aslongasicycle
The deadline for voting is 11/11/11. Results will be tabulated by the accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers, and will be held in strictest secrecy until publication on this site. The winner of the grand prize will be randomly chosen in adherence to the UCI Overlord’s stringent selection process mentioned above. All decisions are final. No substitutions. Prize to be determined. All national taxes to be assessed accordingly.
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